That's probably the best way to describe all the stuff that's been milling about my head in the past few weeks.
Earlier this month I mentioned that I feel my world has shrunk a lot over recent years. I think I've been waiting for someone to rescue me. Terrible, I know!
I've been waiting for a hand to hold and someone to do my talking for me and maybe even just hand me my dreams on a platter. Wouldn't that be nice!
No very realistic, is it?
So, in 2013 I resolve to be BOLD.
I'm going to put myself out there and talk to people when I'd rather just hide away at home.
I'm going to put my writing out there even when I'm not sure anyone will appreciate it.
I'm going to offer myself to people, even when I feel I have nothing worthwhile to offer.
I'm going to paint because painting is fun and I'm tired of seeing paintings at the School Art Show that I'm sure I could have done - but didn't.
There are some things I'm resolving not to do anymore as well.
I resolve not to...
- Complain about my life. My life is pretty good, even when things don't seem to be going my way life is still awesome and I'm going to see that and acknowledge it and focus on the awesome in life.
- Live in the future. There is a lot of life to live right now, without reaching into an unknowable future. This New Year's Eve I haven't look at any forecasts for the coming year and I'm not going to because it has no baring on today and I want to savour today while I have it.
- Make promises I can't be sure of keeping. Oh, it'd be nice say I won't ever eat rubbish anymore or I won't got to bed later than midnight anymore or that I won't yell at my kids ever again - that would be nice... But then when I do those things I just feel so much worse about it and I find myself justifying doing those things, and then I usually end up focusing on how bad things are that I was driven to do things I promised myself I'd never do again. I don't want to focus on negative things, so I'm not going to set myself up to do that.
It's funny, for the first time in many years, I'm not busting to see the end of this year. I'm not hanging out for a new year and a 'new leaf'. I don't have any illusions that somehow 2013 is going to dawn full of miracles which will change my life. Today I've been occupied with writing and making arrangements to pick up a painting from the framers on Monday, shopping for uniforms next week, maybe getting some new ink (if my brother is feeling better). I've been thinking about how to organise our busy timetable in 2013 and encouraging mother-in-law to get someone in to regularly run errands for her one day a week in case we can't make it. December feels like it'll blend into January seamlessly and before we know it our busy lives will be in full swing again, so we need to focus on now and spending some time together and restoring our reserves for the months to come.
I hope you all have a happy and safe New Year celebration - whatever form it takes - and I'll see you again in 2013!
PS. One more thing... I really like this idea!
I'm totally going to do this and then on NYE next year, I'm going to blog what I found on all the notes! Join me!