Grief...

I'm sitting here listening to sad songs and crying.

I'm grieving.

Nothing horrible has happened, I am grieving the loss of my resilience.

I think I just feel really, really old all of a sudden today.

Things didn't turn out how I had hoped. It's really not a big drama, things will be fine, but what I realised when I came home and took to my bed (my natural response to stress and disappointment) is that I felt scared and sad.

I had a sleep, and woke up groggy and hungover from the adrenalin roller coaster of this week.

Since then I've been holding back tears - and then I turned on SmoothFM, I've got to tell you that's good radio station for crying - and the flood surged forward because it dawned on me that I've lost my resilience.

People aren't born with resilience, it is something we develop - hopefully as children, but it often happens later - when we learn that we are okay even when things don't go our way. Parents teach resilience to their children by allowing the children the freedom to explore their world and take calculated risks and when something goes awry -which is must for all of us, if we are not completely sheltered - the parent is there to catch the child (physical, emotionally and psychologically) and let them know they're okay anyway.

I used to be a very resilient person.

I was the person who said, 'Don't worry, it will work out!'

Today I realised I've lost that resilience. Disappointments blossom into catastrophes in the oxygen of my imagination. Even when things are going my way, I find myself expecting something to go wrong and expecting to be disappointed. I live in fear a lot these days and it's crushing me.

So, then when something goes only slightly left of perfect, I dive head long into panic and upset and a rounds of 'I knew it! Things never work out for me anymore!' I often feel cursed or that somehow I have done something terrible which now means I no longer deserve any form of success.

Invulnerability is a hallmark of youth, which is why I feel old tonight, I am so far from feeling invulnerable...

Everything will be better in the morning, I'm sure - night time isn't a good time for thinking about stuff... And Sinead O'Connor's 'Nothing Compares' isn't good thinking music when I'm in this kind of mood.

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