Skip to main content


I'm sitting here listening to sad songs and crying.

I'm grieving.

Nothing horrible has happened, I am grieving the loss of my resilience.

I think I just feel really, really old all of a sudden today.

Things didn't turn out how I had hoped. It's really not a big drama, things will be fine, but what I realised when I came home and took to my bed (my natural response to stress and disappointment) is that I felt scared and sad.

I had a sleep, and woke up groggy and hungover from the adrenalin roller coaster of this week.

Since then I've been holding back tears - and then I turned on SmoothFM, I've got to tell you that's good radio station for crying - and the flood surged forward because it dawned on me that I've lost my resilience.

People aren't born with resilience, it is something we develop - hopefully as children, but it often happens later - when we learn that we are okay even when things don't go our way. Parents teach resilience to their children by allowing the children the freedom to explore their world and take calculated risks and when something goes awry -which is must for all of us, if we are not completely sheltered - the parent is there to catch the child (physical, emotionally and psychologically) and let them know they're okay anyway.

I used to be a very resilient person.

I was the person who said, 'Don't worry, it will work out!'

Today I realised I've lost that resilience. Disappointments blossom into catastrophes in the oxygen of my imagination. Even when things are going my way, I find myself expecting something to go wrong and expecting to be disappointed. I live in fear a lot these days and it's crushing me.

So, then when something goes only slightly left of perfect, I dive head long into panic and upset and a rounds of 'I knew it! Things never work out for me anymore!' I often feel cursed or that somehow I have done something terrible which now means I no longer deserve any form of success.

Invulnerability is a hallmark of youth, which is why I feel old tonight, I am so far from feeling invulnerable...

Everything will be better in the morning, I'm sure - night time isn't a good time for thinking about stuff... And Sinead O'Connor's 'Nothing Compares' isn't good thinking music when I'm in this kind of mood.



Popular posts from this blog

12 Things Happy People Do Differently - a self-reflection...

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted the above poster on her wall. I believe she got these points from this blog which she enjoys reading, and the bloggers on the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog derived their discussion of these points from this book, available on Amazon - you're welcome! I have to admit, I haven't read the blog or the book I've just mentioned but wanted my readers to have access to the sources of the poster for their own reflective purposes.
The New Year will be upon us in but a few days and I thought this a great opportunity to do a little personal assessment on how I'm playing the happy game. I'm often not very happy at all - I don't need to be happy all the time, let me just say that up front - I personally believe that life is a balancing act and those who seek euphoria often will also often feel desolation because in all things there must be balance. The great riches of the few on this planet come at the personal cost of the many as is …

The symbolism of elephants...

Just recently I've been seeing and noticing elephants everywhere!

A few weeks ago I saw the Samsung Elephant Ad, and watching that led me to watching a video with an elephant painting (seriously, you have to watch it to believe it!).

Then last night the boys told me they were having a free dress day at school to raise money for 'Mali the Elephant' - who turned out to be a paper maché statue which the children will paint and then show around the council before it comes back to the school to stand outside the performing arts room.

Then this morning I followed a link from Twitter to Toushka Lee's blog and read this post about an elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka.

This morning the Grumpy Old Man did another driving test and unfortunately didn't pass. We've booked his next test and are looking forward to that now. About ten minutes before he walked in the door I saw this poster on Facebook...

At the time, I didn't know if the Grumpy Old Man had been successful or …

Do you have low self-esteem?

I don't.

I used to think I did, but having met several people who really do have low self-esteem, I've now come to realise I actually have low confidence (and note I don't say low self-confidence, but more on that later), and that is a different breed of animal all together.

I was having a chat with a friend the other day about people who constantly put themselves down. If you are a participant in social media you might be aware of this kind of person. Everyone is smarter than them, prettier than them, more motivated, better organised, or has greater talent than them. It goes further, some of these people are not at all opposed to running themselves down to others with comments like, 'I'm so fat' (and not in a proud, fat acceptance way, but in a negative, self-loathing kind of way), or 'I'm stupid' or 'I'm ugly'.

Some people are just fishing for compliments, of course, but the ones who persist; the ones who simply cannot take a complimen…