Sunday, May 25, 2014

Compartmentalising my life...

I realised the other day I am increasingly compartmentalising my life to cope with the various stressors.

When I'm at Uni, the PhD is my world and although I am still secretary of the mature age student club, I can no longer it give my energy. I'm done with it, just going through the motions. I cannot see the point of it anymore, and it is certainly not enhancing my university experience. It is nothing like how I thought it would be - this Uni experience. I had hoped for some sort of community, I certainly gave all I had to build a community, but in the end, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. So, now when I go to Uni it's all about the PhD, and despite my best efforts I find myself feeling as isolated as I ever did doing my masters degrees by correspondence.

That is not saying this can't change. I'm still hopeful it will, but I may have cast my energies in the wrong direction, is all. I'll wait and see what the future brings, but for now I'll put more effort into my degree.

At home, at the moment, my energies are divided. One thing is worrying about housing and the utter lack of stability in our lives which I see is affecting the kids - in particular Bryn; who has now started waking in the night with panic attacks he cannot explain. I know worrying won't achieve anything. I know we've made it through every situation until now. I know we'll figure something out. I think I'm just angry. We've been battling for almost 18 years, and for that entire time I've worked under the belief that if we just keep trying the quality of our lives will improve. It hasn't. We still struggle financially, we still can't seem to get reliable work - or any work at all, at the moment - and we're still dependent on the goodwill of landlords. If anything it is becoming increasingly difficult to secure a home for longer than 12 months. Yesterday we were musing over my brother having lived in one place for six years and the next for almost four so far, and here we are moving every year.

The other thing I'm focused on at home is crocheting squares for a friend's blanket. I committed to this in less stressful time (relatively speaking) and then just didn't get around to it, so now
I'm playing catch up. It's a labour of love, so, I don't mind at all, I just wish I could enjoy the process more.

I've decided to take a break from Facebook as it is causing me more upset than joy at the moment. I feel under attack a lot, I bite my tongue a lot, I hide images and links a lot, and I know this has more to do with all the other stressors in my life - this Federal government, not least of all, but I find myself feeling like I don't exist as a person to people, just a 2D avatar.

I'm also questioning my apparent need for validation outside myself. I think, very possibly my life lacks substance if I spend chunks of time evaluating my identity through Internet personality tests, or what other people post as memes. Taking a step back, that all seems just a little insane when I look at it from the outside. It's not that I take these things seriously, I don't rationally. But then, why even do those tests, why share memes, why be voyeur to other people's lives? Is my life so boring? I definitely need a break. I haven't been on twitter in a long while either and am probably going to delete my account with them.

I will keep Instagram though because I feel like I get a lot more from the images I see and post there. I might make more of an effort with my photography again.

Also, it may be time to revisit journaling. I haven't kept a consistent journal in about fifteen years. I think a bit of reflection that isn't in the public eye might do me some good - might allow me to work through stuff I hold back online.

Also, and this is a stressor I forgot about until just now when I moved from composing on my iPad to working at my desk top and saw my neglected workbooks  - I need to put much more effort into practicing braille. I have really been neglecting this and it is showing.

I guess this will make my world a lot smaller for a while. Online friends don't really cross over if they notice you have left the online world for the most part (and that's okay, really, it's good to keep stock of who the people in your life really are, as opposed to who you parallel play with online).

I basically think I need to be more grounded; be more in the three dimensional world and less in the two dimensional world - which I realise is enough for a lot of people, but I think it drives me a bit around the bend.

Maybe if I can get a grip of the physical world, I can begin to integrate the parts of my life again in a way that will be even more conducive to coping. Shutting out extraneous noise and trying to figure out what is really important to me, as opposed to being blown hither and yon by bytes of infotainment which ultimately only work as a distraction in my life, maybe that will help me to centre myself more effectively?

I really hope so. I'm tired of feeling the way I do now.


Lady P said...

I noticed your absence Sif, I wish I was closer so I could be 3D with you.


Sif Dal said...

Oh hey! Hallo! Yeah, me too. They break has been good for me - very quiet, but also good - in as much as after trawling EB for a few days and then realising that really is no better for me than FB in my current hypersensitive state, I've finally started investigating blogs again, in particular writing blogs.

I've been doing a lot of mental dumping in a paper and pen journal as well. A lot of pent up crap there, geez I hold onto every little thing when I try to actually mediate my feelings before putting them into words.

But I'm still here. Always up for a chat. Still checking in on FB messages when they happen :).

Good Job!