I am Clara... And I'm not Clara, at all.
Okay, I'm not a cute 20-something running around saving the Doctor between making soufflés and otherwise being a bit of a smarty-pants, but today I can totally relate to 'I don't know where I am'.
I don't know where I am - that is the essence of me today.
I feel like I've been running and running all year and this morning I ran right out of road. The place I thought I was going doesn't seem to exist. Not now, anyway.
At the beginning of this year I felt such optimism for what I would achieve. I was going to get through my colloquium, get a job tutoring, get my novel published and attend a conference. I guess, at the moment, I'm scoring about 50% on those goals, in that I did get through my colloquium and I have been invited to present at a conference, but I'm still without work and I just found out that the company that was going to publish my novel has folded and the publisher is currently on the hunt for someone else to publish the book, but it won't happen this year.
I feel all at sea with my PhD. I'm basically not working on it at the moment. That is I'm still reading and researching but getting nowhere fast in my search for a writer/theorist who can be my hero - my inspiration.
At the same time, I haven't started writing my article for peer review, something I have about a month to do now. Having a looming deadline will help me, I know, but the main reason I haven't done any work on it is that we have so much else going on at the moment.
Yesterday I looked at applying for a scholarship again for next year. I downloaded the form, but I can't fill in anything for the segments asking for peer reviewed publication, or research experience, or awards. This has left me feeling like I haven't achieved much at all in the time since I applied.
I need to publish and I need to gain research experience and I need to work so I have more money if I can't get a scholarship, but nothing seems to be happening with these things, just yet and I seem impotent to make anything happen.
So, I don't know where I am. I don't know how to get where I want to be, either. I feel useless - that is probably how I'm not Clara, at all.