I'm feeling really fed up with my life at the moment.
I feel that my thesis is not my own. I know a thesis is really always a compromise because a candidate rarely has a 'vision' which is actionable. We're apprentices under the guidance of those who have gone before us and who are, hopefully, helping us avoid the worst pitfalls of ignorance. That said, I feel like the words describing my thesis at this point are not my words. They don't come from my mouth or my cognition and are foreign to me. They aren't the wrong words because when I hear them come out of my supervisors mouths, they make complete sense in a much more concise way than my own clumsy words ever would. but I don't own those words yet.
I had a meeting with my associate supervisor yesterday, which was great! She is lovely and in a lot of ways I think we think along similar lines. On reflection, though, I can see we took this next chapter of my thesis in a different direction than my principal supervisor might have - we opted for a less theory heavy approach, and an approach - which I feel correctly - emphasises the post modern thinking of my hypothesis. I know my principal is leaning toward a more structuralist approach.
I still feel stupid.
Everyone keeps saying doing research is hard, but seriously, I didn't think my self-esteem would take such a bashing.
I'm those guys from Wayne's World throwing myself around lamenting, 'I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy.'
I'm also really despairing that there will never be a job for me.
All this work and to what end if there is no work.
I had a lovely get together with friends this weekend and at one point, I realised I was the only woman in the room who didn't have a job. Will I always be 'that person'?
This year the Grumpy Old Man and I will have been together for 18 years. Eighteen years ago, I thought I'd have so much more security than I have, now. I thought I'd have a career, and my own house. I have neither.
So I just want to give it all up. What am I struggling for? What is the point of all of this struggle. Some letters behind my name, what for? It won't get me a job. Why not spend my days doing crafts and social networking?
The thing is, ever since I was a little girl, I've always been stubborn. Stubbornness might be my key personality trait. I like to follow through on something I start. I take it very personally if I have to give up something I set my sights on.
I just hope my stubbornness doesn't end up being my undoing.