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When you feel stupid...

Miserable is pretty much the only way to describe how I feel right now.

If I could beam out of here right now, I would.

You see, I just got an email from my supervisor, which to me, clearly shows her frustration with trying to get me to understand something that comes second nature to her now. There was a time when someone had to explain this stuff to her, but I sense that was a long, long time ago (despite her being about my age), and I sense she got it a lot faster than I'm getting it.

So, as off about ten minutes ago, she's handed me over to the associate supervisor, to see if she can communicate with me in a way that will help me understand what really shouldn't be so hard to grasp. The frustration was palpable.

So, here I sit with my disappointment in myself and my treacherous tears of frustration. Doubts I have never had about my ability to complete this degree are suddenly crowding in like an overloaded lifted and I can't breathe. I can't write, I can't read, and worst of all I cannot seem to make myself comprehend.

I spent most of last week reading all the theory I should have read decades ago, and trying desperately to squeeze out of ten days, what takes most tertiary students three or four years to get their head around. I did this with physical pain, and emotional exhaustion, and the kids still wanted their share of my attention.

I thought I was doing quite well, but now I'm not so sure.

I am stubborn, though. So, I guess my only recourse is to just keep going. Keep reading, keep asking dumb questions, keep wiping away that feeling of not being enough for this task. Eventually, I'll get through. One day I'll get my confidence back.


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