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Showing posts from January, 2016

Guide dog school...

Today is my fourth day at guide dog school. I haven't posted before now because I've just been too busy to. The only reason I'm posting this morning is that I've been up since 5am and having toileted Harlem and showered and dressed, I find I have a half hour until breakfast.

So, what can I tell you about guide dog school? Well, in one word, it is INTENSE! We're up early, toileting the dogs, having breakfast, and then it's straight into training. We drive out to a suburban street (so far it's been in North Balwyn), and practice command such as 'forward', 'stop', 'stay', 'straight on', 'left', and 'right'. Each command is accompanied by physical signals, many of which involve co-ordinating hands and feet. It's like learning to dance.

Yesterday, being a 43 degree (celsius) day, meant that we were up and out of the centre by 7am - yesterday what a long day! We had to stop our walks by midday, so as not to dist…

Moving right along...

Last night the GOM and I had a conversation. When he got home, I couldn't really speak to him. I was worried I might just start another argument, so I didn't say much. We watched Outbreak on tv in silence, and the whole time I was trying to work out in my head how to proceed.

When the movie ended I asked if we could talk in the bedroom (because we can close the door and know no one is standing around the corner. I told him I wanted the arguing to end, I wanted us to get past this last horrible week. I said before I could do that, I needed to feel that he understood why I'd been so upset. I asked him to imagine two scenarios. The first one was to imagine the last Orson Wells movie had finally come out (he's been waiting a few years now), but that it was only screening in Sydney. I asked him to imagine I told him I'd arranged for us to go to Sydney to see it. I asked him to imagine how for months he had really looked forward to that trip, and then a week out I tell h…

Four cubic metres of crap...

Gone!

That's four cubic metres less stuff to move when we next have to move.

I'm going to keep culling throughout this year, not big skip culling, just consistent small bits here and there. As part of this move to lessening the amount of crap we move with us everywhere, I'm also going to stop buying stuff I don't need. In particular this means furniture, clothes, nik-naks (oh how I love all my little pretty nik-naks, though I rather ruthlessly parred right back to things I love). I'm going to tell people who want to gift me stuff (Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas etc.) to get me consumables that I don't need to store - vouchers for the movies or for iTunes, or a facial or something like that, food, wine.

The GOM is due home any time now. Haven't spoken with him since the night before last. To be honest, I would not mind if he stayed away another couple of days - funny that, really, I'd normally be hanging out for him to get home.

The house is neat …

Clearing out...

I wrote on the last day of the year last year that I had learned that things happen that you may not expect. I kind of regret saying that now, as it seems I've attracted the unexpected into my life now, and none of it feels nice. Not nice at all.

This morning the skip I ordered yesterday will arrive. Last night I went through my bedroom wardrobe - the depository of all the things I no longer want to see or deal with. So much stuff. I really need to get my impulse shopping under control. It's shameful. We also went through the garage and identified stuff that needed to go. There isn't a lot because we did a cull before we moved here from Leeds, and again before that from Birdwood.

Today I'll go through the linen closet - which I did cull before we moved here, but which is still overstuffed with mostly inherited linen that we never, ever use. After that there is clearing out the cabinets. Cabinets in the hallway, in the kitchen in the lounge room. Then finally just bits …

I can't believe it...

The Grumpy Old Man and I had a long conversation last night. I thought we'd managed to gain a better understanding of each others perspective. I have accepted a lot of the blame for everything going on in this house. I have felt terrible for causing everyone so much pain. I have second guessed every one of my decisions and had basically come to the decision to quit the PhD, or at the very least extend my intermission a few months so I could give more to my family and get us to a better place.

I have been so low the past few days. Suicidal low.

The Grumpy Old Man left this morning to have a break for a few days. I sent him off with my blessings because I understood he'd been through so much because of me.

Then about midmorning I went downstairs to put on some laundry and there I found Erik acting all edgy. I asked him what he was hiding and of course he said nothing, but I knew he was lying so I made my way around him to investigate. On the floor, hidden under a bean bag I foun…

The black hole...

Not in a good place right now. The Grumpy Old Man has just left for a trip away for a few days. He's doing the longest drive he's ever done and I'm worried because he's on his own and there is no one to wake him if he starts to nod off. He says he'll take a break if he even starts to feel his concentration dropping, but these things happen unexpectedly - no one willingly dozes off at the wheel.

If anything were to happen to him, our last memories would be horrible ones of hurt feelings and arguments. This only adds to my worry.

I've decided (with the encouragement of close friends) that the time has come to seek some professional help, and very likely some medication to get me back on an even keel. We can ill afford counselling, even just for me, but we'll have to do it somehow because I really need to talk to someone. I'm not equipped to deal with all of this on my own.

The transport system in Melbourne really, really sucks. Where I live, there is no o…

Trouble...

The first two days of this year haven't been very good.

I have been insensitive.

I have been trouble.

Looking back over my life, I can see I have always been trouble, right from the get go. I was trouble at birth and then I grew into a person who always caused trouble. People have tried to point this out to me, but I have never understood.

I think I understand now.

I've been trying to be someone all my life. I've been trying to be special. I didn't want to be special because of my low vision, so I've tried to be special in other ways. I've been desperate for people to notice me and that is how I've been trouble.

When I was very young, about four years of age, I did some - said something - that caused a big rift in my family. It caused a divide between my mum and her family. At school I wouldn't be quiet, and I wouldn't follow the rules. I was moved from one school to another, time and again because I was trouble. I didn't care, I had to have thi…
Hi and welcome to 2016!

As is my tradition, you will see that the blog has a new look. If you've been following me for any part of the past nearly nine years (!), you'll be used to finding a whole new look on the first of the year. If not - SURPRISE!

A proper post will soon find it's way to this page... No doubt, later today!