Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Clearing out...

I wrote on the last day of the year last year that I had learned that things happen that you may not expect. I kind of regret saying that now, as it seems I've attracted the unexpected into my life now, and none of it feels nice. Not nice at all.

This morning the skip I ordered yesterday will arrive. Last night I went through my bedroom wardrobe - the depository of all the things I no longer want to see or deal with. So much stuff. I really need to get my impulse shopping under control. It's shameful. We also went through the garage and identified stuff that needed to go. There isn't a lot because we did a cull before we moved here from Leeds, and again before that from Birdwood.

Today I'll go through the linen closet - which I did cull before we moved here, but which is still overstuffed with mostly inherited linen that we never, ever use. After that there is clearing out the cabinets. Cabinets in the hallway, in the kitchen in the lounge room. Then finally just bits and pieces which have been lying around, gathering dust.

In times of stress, this is what I do. I declutter, I streamline, I try to control my physical environment because I feel I have little control over my emotional, psychological, and mental environments. It is calming and cathartic, but ultimately it doesn't get to the core of my problems. I guess that is because I can't put myself in the skip and have me hauled away. I can't put myself in the top of my wardrobe because I don't want to deal with myself.

As much as I'm hurt and angered by having the family holiday pulled out from under me and, at least, the little boys (because the Grumpy Old Man and the bigger boys had reached a consensus in private that I was the only person interested in a family holiday - they didn't ask the little boys), and because the Grumpy Old Man decided to try and buy cooperation and improved behaviour from the kids by getting them a very expensive toy - and then everyone (yes, I found out all the boys were in on the secret) keeping it that information from me.., As much as that hurts and angers me, in the end, I've only got myself to blame. In the end, the common denominator here is me, or rather resentment or contempt directed at me - which can only be indicative of me being an arsehole. Let's face it, many people have shut me out of their lives because I am an arsehole - why should my family, who have to live with me, feel any different?

It's really a good thing that I'm off to guide dog school on Monday. They will all get a break from me for five days a week until the end of January. That will be a relief, and I can't cause too much trouble while I'm away. It's a double-edged sword though, isn't it? They get relief from my constant annoying behaviour, but at the same time, it leaves the GOM alone at home with all the kids, which stresses him out.

What is the solution here? Obviously, it is that I need to change, I need to change as the most basic level. I need to fade into the background somehow. Not assert my opinion, or my needs. My very core rebels at this realisation. My ego screams, 'Hey! Don't I count? Don't my feelings count? Am I supposed to be a servant at the beck and call of the rest of them. Am I supposed to become someone I am not?'

The battle within me is driving me to the brink. Can I live in a house where nothing gets done because no one does anything if I'm not organising them? Or is it expected that I do everything myself, except all the things they don't want done? They would all be happy for me to cook and clean, pay the bills, organise appointments, buy them gadgets and DVDs... I should not ask them to change at all.

Just this minute, I turned to Ari and told him to turn down his techno music, ten minutes ago, I asked Bryn to turn down the gaming noises on his iPad, in a few minutes I'm going to ask Erik and Lukas to get up and help me arrange stuff to be taken out to the skip - the skip that the Grumpy Old Man never wanted me to get. In their ideal world I would not do any of these things. Is that who I need to be in this house to achieve harmony? When I go away, I'm essentially taking with me all the demands I make on the family, but I'm still causing problems because I'm not here to help out.

I don't feel part of this family. They want me to do all that I do for them, but they don't want me to do any of the stuff I do that is asking them to do for me. I can give, I can't except to take. That is it. That is what I'm doing wrong, I'm expecting too much of people. I have always expected too much of people. I've expected people to see me. That is my ego. I need to let go of that need. I need to stop believing that I am that important.

Declutter will help. Everything I am decluttering is stuff I brought into the house. By getting rid of it, there will be more room for them. I will take up less space here.


Sarah said...

Hi Sif, I just caught up on the last few weeks blog posts and can't sail on by today without a comment. Sending love and hugs..I don't have anything to offer in advice but I hardly think that is what you are in search of here.

Be kind to yourself during this time.


Kathy said...

Sif, I have to admit I am a bit worried about you after reading the last few posts. You are expressing such self-loathing, anger and resentment, and to answer your question in this post "Hey! Don't I count?" YES you do count and it's a real concern that you are feeling like you have to suppress or elide your own needs and voice in order to have any kind of peace.

You seem to be taking everything on yourself - all the blame, all the fault - and things are never as simple as that, ever. I feel so much for you :-(

Good Job!