Sorry peoples, this is going to be another vague post, so if that sort of thing bores you to tears, feel free to skip it. I just need to get some stuff out that has been swimming around in my head for a couple of days now.
A couple of days ago our household woke up to some shocking news. At one point or another, I think, we've all had a little cry to ourselves, a couple of us a much bigger cry (it won't surprise you to hear the couple of us are Bryn and me). Ari has been off the planet, so we're just trying to be patient with him.
With a couple of days under our belt we're starting to emerge from the shock and trying to find a path through the chaos.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about how you can do your best, you can try to do everything 'right' and still bad stuff happens. I've questioned myself, my actions, was there more I could have done, but search as I might, I just can't see what.
In the wake of this world rocking event I've been sad, angry, but also relieved. The relief brings guilt. I shouldn't be feeling relief, and yet I do. This was always going to happen, I can see it now, no matter what we did, it was inevitable really, there were things beyond our control that we did our level best to work with. But life has been so stressful for so long because of the circumstances leading to this event that to have it here instead of hanging over us like a threat, lurking in the back of our minds all the time, creating so much tension and stress at home, it is a relief.
Right now, I feel like doing nothing. Just enjoying the peace. And I feel horribly guilty for that too. On Friday I felt like crawling into bed and never coming out. I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts and left bleeding by the roadside. The Grumpy Old Man and I sat in shock most the day. Today we pulled ourselves together and took the boys out Easter Egg shopping - funny how life must go on as normal when it is anything but normal now. We may have gone a little overboard as some sort of compensation or self-comforting measure, but we don't really care right now. Tomorrow my parents are coming over. We haven't told them yet. I spoke to mum tonight about tomorrow, and I was going to say something, but I just couldn't form the words. I don't know how I'll go tomorrow.
Maybe that is why I can't spell it out here yet. I still can't face it directly, I can't create the words to say the hard truth. Relief aside, I'm still deeply, deeply upset. I'm still blaming myself. And I'm still very, very, VERY angry.
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