Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from April, 2016

When nothing seems to matter anymore...

I'm finding it very difficult to care about anything any more. I mean, I care about stuff. I care about my family, and my friends, but I don't feel any passion for or against anything anymore.

I'm due to return to uni next week and I'm not feeling it at all. Where I used to have this burning desire to do a PhD and write and teach writing and discuss all things writing, I just don't feel anything right now. I haven't thought about writing since I walked out of my office last. I haven't thought about my thesis in three weeks. Honestly, I think it's going to take me a week to just to refresh myself on what the hell I was even writing a about (thank good I had started keeping a journal this year).

I think it's a Maslow's hierarchy thing. With all the stress of the past month, just struggling to keep my head above water physically, mentally, and emotionally - losing $250 a fortnight on top of all the emotional trauma has been a great financial strain…

Still here...

While I have a number of blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, I don't seem to be able to bring myself to hit the publish key on any of them. Life has been pretty painful lately with all the upheaval surrounding Erik's sudden departure; the self-recriminations, the dealing with fallout, the grief, the anger, the relief, the guilt. There has been a lot going on.

I'm really glad I intermitted for April, I've been a mess. I've spent several days in bed, or wandering between my bed and my egg chair in the lounge room like some sort of automated zombie doll. We saw Erik on the GOM's birthday last Sunday. He asked to see his dad, to drop off a present. That was a first for Erik - organising a present on his own. I would have said no, but I left it up to the GOM and he said yes. It didn't go well. Erik spent maybe two minutes with the GOM, then wanted to see Lukas to ask him how things had been at home, and to ask for a game, at which point I (luckily, Lukas tol…

The sun and the shadows...

The beach is my happy place, always has been. Sea air and the spray of the ocean never fails me.

Today we went to the beach and for a little while I was able to let the tension which has been crushing my body from the inside melt away under the sun.,,

When we left home, it was already lunch time, so we decided to stop at Hungry Jacks on the way. We let the boys order whatever they wanted, so of course they went for the most unnatural, chemical-ladened thing on the menu, a bubblegum Icey.



This morning when I got Lukas up to get ready, he said he couldn't go unless he had a rashie. With his red hair and fair skin, he burns very easily, so he was being quite sensible. He said he wouldn't swim in a t-shirt. So, the Grumpy Old Man ducked down to the shops and got him a rashie. Then he said, he didn't want to go swimming anyway because he hadn't slept well overnight and was feeling a bit yuck. I asked him if he was sure he didn't at least want to take his swimmers with h…