Wednesday, April 27, 2016

When nothing seems to matter anymore...

I'm finding it very difficult to care about anything any more. I mean, I care about stuff. I care about my family, and my friends, but I don't feel any passion for or against anything anymore.

I'm due to return to uni next week and I'm not feeling it at all. Where I used to have this burning desire to do a PhD and write and teach writing and discuss all things writing, I just don't feel anything right now. I haven't thought about writing since I walked out of my office last. I haven't thought about my thesis in three weeks. Honestly, I think it's going to take me a week to just to refresh myself on what the hell I was even writing a about (thank good I had started keeping a journal this year).

I think it's a Maslow's hierarchy thing. With all the stress of the past month, just struggling to keep my head above water physically, mentally, and emotionally - losing $250 a fortnight on top of all the emotional trauma has been a great financial strain - it is difficult to focus on self-actualisation when all the needs below that are barely, or not at all, being met.

A week and a bit a good I was feeling okay, like I was ready to go back, but right now I'm not. Maybe tomorrow I'll be fine again. Who knows. Stability is not exactly my strong suit at the moment. I have found myself wondering why I ever thought having a PhD was some sort of Holy Grail of achievements to aspire to. I wonder now if this isn't just some sort of ego trip, you know, like, hey, let's kills a few trees just to show the world how clever I am with words.

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Good Job!