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Dampened joy over my book...

The book is in print. It isn't in shops (unless online counts, and I'm not sure it does) but it's in print.

The launch is being organised. I've successfully petitioned for it to be in a central location (as opposed to the south-eastern venue suggested to me a few months ago). I'm keen to have the launch at the Carlton Readings shop, but that depends on a couple of things, yet to be sorted.

It doesn't feel real yet. Maybe it will after the launch? I find myself surprisingly un-phased by the entire situation. I expected to be more excited, I guess, but it has taken so long to get to this place that the excitement has all dissipated.

Maybe that's because the people I would have liked to share this excitement with are not in my life at the moment. The argument - or rather the lack on communication in the wake of the blow up - is still in progress. I recently heard that mum still has 'more to say' on the topic, and frankly I'm not interested. She scared the living daylights out of me with her overreaction to my request. She became 'the mum of old': volatile, vicious, and bent on making sure I understood that I am the worst mother and the worst daughter to ever have walked the Earth. It was frightening. I still can't answer the phone in case it is her at the other end.

I can't see a way back now.

And then there is Erik. I heard he is determined to finish high school (great news!) because I didn't. Of course I did finish high school, just not is the conventional way. I've always told my kids that there is no 'last chance' when it comes to education. I've told them how, and why (having to learn an entirely new language within two years of graduation) I failed high school, but also that I found a way to graduate (through TAFE). It seems Erik only remembers the part about me failing high school. But why the competition? What is going on there?

He's in contact with Dave and his brothers, but not me, not since just after Christmas when I hugged him for the first time since he moved out. Maybe hugging him was too much? I don't know. I've mooted with Dave and Lukas that Erik should maybe be invited to Christmas this year? We've already decided to do the usual Christmas Eve event on the weekend before Christmas, and then do Christmas Day lunch on Christmas Day as per usual. We're simply getting too old to do the two day marathon and we'd rather enjoy ourselves than wish it was over already. So, yeah, maybe Erik can join us this year - if he wants to.

A launch with my family so divided is a bit like when Dave and I eloped, our families just would not be able to be civilised enough to celebrate the happy event.

I think this is underlying my lack of joy over the book being published and finally in print.

Buy here.


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