Sunday, February 10, 2019

Me; the cliche...

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my cardiac arrest and one week since the ICD implant.

The implant site swelling is slowly reducing and today it started to get quite itchy. I can’t decided if that is a good thing or not. Itch is a sign of healing, but can also be a sign of infection. There is no excess heat though, so for now I’m thinking this is healing.

I haven’t done much of anything since I got home. On Thursday (the day after I got home), my dad and his best mate came to visit from on the VIC/NSW border, they stayed six hours and it was fantastic to see them, but I was wiped all of Friday. Yesterday, I wasn’t much better, the cleaners came for a couple of hours, as they do every week, and today I’ve been wiped again.

This is leading to a very frustrated me.

I’m getting very lethargic from doing nothing, but doing anything seems to wipe me out.

And then there is work. Tomorrow, I have to contact our WHS officer as well as our HR office to find out what the next step are. I am worried, to be honest, because I don’t know what I am capable of at the moment, whether I can start back full time, whether they’ll even let me. What if my absence means we’ve lost funding because I didn’t get those groups going? Do I even have a job to go back to?

I did the math today (I don’t recommend doing this when you don’t feel great physically and/or emotionally), and without my job, we’ll drown. Even if I lose more than 4 days a fortnight, we’ll drown. It’s the new cost of the rent. I need to not think about that right now.

Emotionally, everything is dawning on me now. The reality of nearly dying. Wondering if I’m happy with how my life turned out. Am I loving my life, or am I just getting through the days. Is it a first world entitled perspective to believe I have the right to love my life? Do the majority of people on this planet love their life, do they even think about it? Is having the space and time to think about it a luxury? Is discontentment just a sign of having far too much time and space and becoming far too self-obsessed? And round and round and further down the rabbit hole I tumble.


I have identified two things I do when I’m anxious. I eat crap - I don’t each a lot but what I do eat it pure rubbish. And I spend money. I rarely go to the shops, I order online, or I buy in app lives for my game. I’m pretty disgusted with myself. I want to sort these responses. Maybe that will help me feel more in control? I just don’t know. This situations has thrown me off axis completely.


Friday, February 08, 2019

Cardiac Arrest...

On the 28th of February, I suffered a cardiac arrest.

Dave says I got up, made myself a coffee, waited for it to cool while looking at my iPad, took a sip, and keeled over.

Dave called Erik downstairs to call 000 while Dave, who thought I was having a seizure, attended to me. He noticed my breath was thready, and then I stopped breathing. Erik took over and did compressions until the ambulance arrived - actually three ambulance, a fire truck, and a police car, according to Luey who was just arriving home while all of this was happening.

What I gather from cobbling together everything I’ve heard since, I cycled through the gamut of arythmia types, even in an order they don’t usually present.

I died three times.

I spent 9 days in hospital and had a defibrillator+pacemaker implanted.

It’s been a bit of a shocker... no pun intended.

I haven’t really had time to react to it, and I’m not sure what happens next.

Obviously, I’m not at work. I have a clinic appointment on the 20th of February. I think I only have leave days until the 18th. I have no idea what happens after that. I don’t know if I go straight back to full time, or part time, or even back at all, at this point.

Other than having a lump protruding from around my left collarbone where the device was implanted, which a a little tender, and a sore sternum from the compressions, I only feel a bit tired if I try to do too much (how long is a piece of string).

My memory is more shit than usual - which is saying something, but I’m sure that’ll right itself as well.

My biggest vice...