Sunday, February 10, 2019

Me; the cliche...

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my cardiac arrest and one week since the ICD implant.

The implant site swelling is slowly reducing and today it started to get quite itchy. I can’t decided if that is a good thing or not. Itch is a sign of healing, but can also be a sign of infection. There is no excess heat though, so for now I’m thinking this is healing.

I haven’t done much of anything since I got home. On Thursday (the day after I got home), my dad and his best mate came to visit from on the VIC/NSW border, they stayed six hours and it was fantastic to see them, but I was wiped all of Friday. Yesterday, I wasn’t much better, the cleaners came for a couple of hours, as they do every week, and today I’ve been wiped again.

This is leading to a very frustrated me.

I’m getting very lethargic from doing nothing, but doing anything seems to wipe me out.

And then there is work. Tomorrow, I have to contact our WHS officer as well as our HR office to find out what the next step are. I am worried, to be honest, because I don’t know what I am capable of at the moment, whether I can start back full time, whether they’ll even let me. What if my absence means we’ve lost funding because I didn’t get those groups going? Do I even have a job to go back to?

I did the math today (I don’t recommend doing this when you don’t feel great physically and/or emotionally), and without my job, we’ll drown. Even if I lose more than 4 days a fortnight, we’ll drown. It’s the new cost of the rent. I need to not think about that right now.

Emotionally, everything is dawning on me now. The reality of nearly dying. Wondering if I’m happy with how my life turned out. Am I loving my life, or am I just getting through the days. Is it a first world entitled perspective to believe I have the right to love my life? Do the majority of people on this planet love their life, do they even think about it? Is having the space and time to think about it a luxury? Is discontentment just a sign of having far too much time and space and becoming far too self-obsessed? And round and round and further down the rabbit hole I tumble.


I have identified two things I do when I’m anxious. I eat crap - I don’t each a lot but what I do eat it pure rubbish. And I spend money. I rarely go to the shops, I order online, or I buy in app lives for my game. I’m pretty disgusted with myself. I want to sort these responses. Maybe that will help me feel more in control? I just don’t know. This situations has thrown me off axis completely.


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