Monday, May 18, 2020

Only players...

The subject of friendship came up for me recently.

I can't say I have any close friends now and that's okay. It's okay because I came to realise that all my adult friendships had been built on a shared contempt of a third party - either an individual or group. I had been part of a lot of back biting, fault finding, and general bitchiness. Yes, there was support and there were people to share joys and sorrows with, but truth be told most of the conversations I participated in with my friends were about the shortcomings of other people.

I'm quite ashamed of that.

I was never part of that sort of thing at school. Usually, I hadn't been at any school long enough to really know who the cool kids, and the rejects, and the rebels were. I didn't get bullied and I wasn't a part of any bullying culture. So, I guess as an adult I enjoyed being part of something, part of a group with drawn lines of battle.

The thing with battles is that there are always turncoats, double agents, dictators, and power corrupts. It corrupted me. I would find my place by the side of the top dog - or bitch - and from that seat, I'd look down on the unclean and judge them. I was never actually the top dog myself, I was always part of the support crew. I was an enabler.

It poisoned me and wasn't good for my soul. When, inevitably, I found myself on the wrong side of the battle, I felt hurt, and I got angry (I'm definitely a fight, not flight sort of person). What I didn't acknowledge was that I'd happily pushed other people onto the wrong side of the field, myself, because I felt it was my right to put people in their place. I was proud of not pulling punches, I told me it meant they always knew where they stood with me and they did, but it wasn't something I should've been proud of.

As Red said...


I don't really think I know how to make friends, or even really how to be a friend. Maybe I'm antisocial? 

Whatever the case, I'm quite content, for now, to let that world be. At least until I figure out what friendship really is and how it really works.

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

That Keto life...

Determined not to join the ranks of people who will be putting on a little extra weight this COVID-19 season (let's face it, it can be very had to resist the pantry when you're stuck inside all day, every day), I've jumped back on the Keto wagon.



I know this works for me, but for some time now - say, three years - I haven't been able to stick with it. Honestly, the stress of having to go to work everyday had a lot to do with it. Getting out of the house is stressful for me. I would comfort eat at my desk, and sitting all day, it was bound to cause weight gain.

I've always been an intermittant faster - well before I even heard the term. I have skipped breakfast since I can remember - and been told off for this natural inclination more times than I can count.

So, with a combination of a very low sugar diet and intermittant fasting (20:4 most days), I'm starting to fit better into various clothing I've missed wearing.

Side effects?

For me, no bad side effects - I bullshit you not.

I'm sleeping better and most days I don't need a nap (I was getting to the point that I was more asleep than awake during the day. I would literally nod off at my keyboard, and my blood sugars were good, my iron was good, I was in pretty good shape). I am just don't have that mid-afternon slump, anymore.

I'm not getting hunger headaches or blood sugar drop headaches - I am still have the occassional eye strain headache, and have had a cluster migraine in the time since I started.

No cravings.

No hunger.

I'm not putting any pressure on myself to do a set number of carb grams, I just eat foods very low in carbs (well, I did get a bottle of Bailey's for Mother's Day, but I'm only sipping my way through a shot glass full each night as a treat).

My head is clearer, which goes hand in hand with not feeling sleepy all the time, I guess.

Maybe I'll come out of these strange times healthier than when I went into them? That would be good.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

Reddington has statin toxicity..


Some time ago, I wrote about Reddington having an illness (not news, I know) and that I thought it might be somehow related to Vascular Dementia because of the storyline with Samar. After episode 7.18 though, I'm convinced he actually has statin toxicity.

Here's why... Statin toxicity can lead to, amongst other things, the following;

1. Type II diabetes - remember him injecting himself back in season 5?

2. Muscle pain - which might explain his non-stop drinking.

3. Heamhorragic anurisms - Dembe tells Red he keeps putting himself in more and more danger;

4. Congnitive issues, such as alzheimers - might be why he and Dembe are always playing mind-stimulating games.

Statin toxicity is adversely affected by, among other things...

1. Having untreated hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, liver disease, and kidney disease (might explain the fluctuating weight - sorry Jimmy if that's not the case, good excuse though. You're welcome).

2. Heavy alcohol consumption (oh my, yes - but again, also a good way to dampen muscular pain).

3. Vigorous exercise (okay, not so much of late, but certainly when he was in training back in the Academy (statin intolerance can be genetic - could have been trigger early, though not as common as the damage caused by taking statins for a heart condition or high cholesterol).

4. Having type I or type II diabetes (this is a catch 22 as statin toxicity can also lead to diabetes).

5. Excessive cranberry or grapefruit juice intake (As referenced in episode 7.18)

6. Drug interactions, namely with medicines used to treat HIV, antibiotic medications, antidepressants, medications used to suppress the immune system, and medications for irregular heart rhythms (who knows what medications he took, especially after his cosmetic surgery to remove burn scars as much as possible).

7. Major trauma or surgery (lots of that in his life, all sorts, bullet wounds, dying in Marakesh, dying after a boat he was in capsised, being burned, car accidents again and again, need I go on?).

Tonight's show was portentuous to say the least.

Unfortunately, due to the who COVID-19 situation, the season was cut short by three episodes, so next week will be the last until goodness only knows when. Will we have a 25 episode season 8 to make up for it? We shall see.

Sunday, May 03, 2020

The Blacklist: What if Lizzie isn’t Masha?


I’ve been ruminating on two things I heard or read some time ago.

The first was when Exectutive Producer Bokenkamp posed the question, ‘Who would be most invested in a child’.

The other is the constant message that Lizzie would never be able to forgive Reddington if she knew the truth.

To the first, the obvious answer would be a parent, and Reddington would be that person.

The second question - what would Lizzie never forgive Red for? - isn’t at first obvious. What could be so horrendous? She’s already forgiven him for turning her life upside down, for ruining her marriage (because she was happy to live that lie), for killing her foster father, for impersonating her biological father, for trying to kill her mother, Katarina. 

For so many things.

Reddington asks Liz  ‘What if everything you’ve come to believe about yourself is a lie.’

Knowing Lizzie as we do now, to find out she never was Masha, that she was used to take Masha’s place in order to protect the real Masha for some reason, that she was put in the path of danger from childhood, and that Reddington had some part in that decision - even though he has watched over her all her life...  now THAT would be something Liz would find ultimately unforgivable.

There are probably a thousand holes that would need to be plugged for this to work and I haven’t tried to find them or plug them, but it’s an interesting thought.

Absent Seizure...